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 Is This What A Pentecostal Church is Really Like?

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futureshock

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PostSubject: Is This What A Pentecostal Church is Really Like?   Mon May 12, 2008 1:44 am

The Pentecostal Church and The Holy Ghost

During the crisis that was my Mother’s dating life, she became involved with a man named Ron who was extremely religious. Ron was a very devout member of the Pentecostal Church and longed for a family who maintained similar views. Within seconds of uttering this desire to my Mother, our entire family suddenly became firm believers in the Pentecostal faith.
For the few of you who don’t know, Pentecostal’s believe in feminine modesty. Women are strongly discouraged against wearing make-up, cutting their hair, using deodorant or perfume, or donning a pair of pants. They are also very adamant about accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior and will give you a baptismal like it’s a free coupon for a box of scented dryer sheets. But probably the most intriguing characteristic of those entrenched in the Pentecostal faith is their tendency to speak in tongues. If you’ve ever heard of someone described as a ‘holy roller,’ it is likely they were talking about a Pentecostal.


Church services always started off quiet enough with the organ playing and parishioners quietly whispering greetings and shaking hands. But among the kids, there was a kind of electricity in the air. Half of the time, we could barely contain ourselves. We knew that if things went well, it was likely we’d see some crazy ass shit.
Reverend Bud would begin the sermon slowly and thoughtfully. He preached the wonders of God’s love and the importance of attending Church regularly. Although this was typically the most boring part of the night, we (the kids) used the time wisely. We’d make faces at each other over the pews or give random people the finger behind our Bibles. The purpose of our antics was to simply keep ourselves occupied until the adults starting yelling, “Amen!” and “Praise God!” It was at this point, we would swivel around in our seats and keep our eyes glued to the front two pews. This is where the action usually started.
When Reverend Bud’s preaching reached an end, the organs would suddenly blare and everyone would hop to their feet. The singing and the clapping would swell to a crescendo and the children would titter excitedly in their seats. The fever and shouts of religious undulation would continue until the crowd worked themselves into a literal frenzy and then…
…..THWAK!
Sister Ruth, an older woman with long silver hair, would collapse onto the ground in the front row. Experiencing her own special brand of religious ecstasy, Sister Ruth would wriggle and writhe on the Church floor until her skirt hiked up over her hips to reveal her panties. Farm Animals. Sister Ruth’s panties always had pictures of farm animals on them.
Of course, this was the jackpot the children were all waiting for. A small tremor would vibrate through the crowd as the kindly children from the front pews would whisper to the kids in the back exactly what farm animal decorated Sister Ruth’s panties today. Sometimes, it was frogs. Every once in a while, we’d see little blue lambs. Often, there would be kittens and dogs and little yellow ducks. The single time we saw cows, we had to bury our faces in our Bibles to hide the fact that we were laughing our asses off.
At this point in the service, the adults would collectively lose their fucking minds. They’d hop around in circles, screaming. They’d hysterically cry and hold their arms up towards the heavens. They’d gyrate around on the floor and speak in some unintelligible language: Bugga bugga boo! Oh, I love you Jesus! Yada gabba doodle boo boo wak!

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Erulissë



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PostSubject: Re: Is This What A Pentecostal Church is Really Like?   Mon May 12, 2008 5:16 pm

This cracked me up!!! Thanks so much for posting it! Laughing Laughing Laughing lol!
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futureshock

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PostSubject: Re: Is This What A Pentecostal Church is Really Like?   Mon May 12, 2008 8:01 pm

Me, too! I made my husband listen to me read it out loud, GABBA GABBO GOO!
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